Family Violence

 

Abuse is a pattern of control that one person exercises over another. Domestic abuse (family violence) covers a wide range of situations and includes physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, and economic abuse. It can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion, socioeconomic level, and gender.   Usually it begins with emotional and psychological abuse and eventually leads to physical abuse. Physical abuse is the most widely known form of family violence because it is the most visible and where most interventions occur.

 Does your loved one…

  • Put you down or make verbal threats
  • Demand to know how you spend your time when you are apart
  • Maintain control over your money
  • Destroy your possessions or threaten to try to keep you from seeing your family and friends
  • Push, hit, kick, bite, burn, or otherwise hurt you
  • Force you to have sex
If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions you may be in an abusive relationship. Nobody deserves to be abused and it is never your fault. 
 
 
More about domestic abuse…
 
It takes a lot of resiliency and courage to withstand an abusive relationship. The first step to stopping the abuse is recognizing and understanding it. You are not to blame.
 
Incidents of domestic abuse follow a pattern, which is commonly called “the cycle of abuse.”
 
1.      This cycle begins with a build-up of tension within the relationship.
2.      Eventually this leads to an explosive incident or outburst of some sort (i.e. silent treatment, verbal assault, throwing things, physical violence). 
3.      This is followed quickly by the “honeymoon” or “good times” stage, where the offender may become very loving and apologetic, swearing it will never happen again. In many cases circumstances may just seem like ‘pretend normal’.
 
Once abuse is introduced into a relationship it is easier to reintroduce it. As the pattern is set, the cycle repeats itself with the abusive episodes tend to occur more frequently, and with a greater intensity. Often times, the honeymoon stage becomes shorter until it is virtually non-existent. Statistics show there are few ways out of the cycle. It rarely gets better, only worse. 
 
Get help, you can stop the pattern!
 
 What you can do…
 
It is important to establish personal limits/boundaries as to at what point things need to change. Do you wish to leave the relationship? 
 
 
If no, what would have to happen for you to make this decision? The point at which you would be willing to leave or change the situation is your limit.
 
Regardless of whether you are willing or ready to leave, planning for your safety is essential. 
 
If you are not planning to leave, what can be done to keep you as safe as possible? Some things to consider…
  • Reduce isolation
  • Find a safe place to hide documents
  • Set up secure access to money
  • Create an escape plan if necessary

If you are planning to leave, what can you do to establish and maintain your safety? Some things to consider…

  • Prepare a safety package that includes the essential things needed to leave:
    • Identification
    •  marriage license
    • picture of the abuser
    • documentation and/or evidence of the abuse
    • bank cards
    • keys
    • medications
    • change of clothes
    • personal phone book
    • other?
  • Find a safe place to store the safe package
  • Develop arrangements for a safe place to go
  • Ensure there is a source of money
  • Consider police assistance to gather belongings or to leave
  • Develop a backup plan
 
You do not have to do it alone. If you need to talk to someone, call the 24-hour Distress Line at 482 – HELP (4357). If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.    
 
 
How to help a friend or family member who is being abused…
  • Talk to them directly about your concerns of the abuse. Talking about it lets them know that you are concerned and it may help them recognize the abuse themselves.
  • Ask the person more about the details of the abuse that is occurring. You may find out they are in immediate danger and may need help now!
  • Understanding the facts is important but do not forget to talk about their feelings too.
  • Try to listen without judgment. The person may be afraid to leave, so it is important that you give support but do not insist that they must leave. It is their choice.
  • Assist the person to find professional help. Do not keep the abuse a secret. Let them know you care too much about them to handle this alone.
  • Assist the person to develop a plan for safety, regardless of whether they plan to leave the relationship. 
  • Stay in contact and check in as much as you are able to.
  • Be aware of your own safety. Do not put yourself at risk.
  • Call the 24-hour Distress Line at 482 – HELP (4357). We can have a conversation about how you can help the person further. If they are in immediate danger, call 911.  

Remember that you alone cannot fix someone’s problems or take their pain away – you can only listen and support. Make sure you have support too. Being a helper to someone in crisis can be very stressful.

 
Abuse involving seniors….
 
An often ignored and under-reported aspect of family violence is the abuse of senior citizens. In addition to the types of abuse mentioned above, seniors are at greater risk of being taken advantage of financially, being neglected or being abused through over or under medication. 
 
If you or someone you know is a senior who is being abused, call the 24-hour Seniors Abuse Helpline at 454-8888.  
 
 
Abuse involving children…
 
In addition to the issues of domestic and seniors abuse, family violence also includes child abuse. Children are at risk of being abused physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually and through neglect. When abuse occurs in the home and children are witness to it, it can cause as much harm as if the child were being directly abused. This is called exposure. The effects of exposure to abuse on the child can be long lasting.   
 
Child Abuse Reporting Legislation in Alberta requires that anyone suspecting that a child is being abused, or a person is abusing children, must report that information either to Child and Family Services. The mandate of Child and Family Services is to keep families together and to provide support and education for healthy family dynamics. 
 
If you are concerned that a child is being abused, call the Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-387-5437.
 
If you wish to talk more about child abuse, call the 24-hour Distress Line at 428-HELP (4357).
 
 
If you are concerned you may hurt someone else…
 
It takes a lot of courage to reach out for help. The volunteers on the Distress Line are nonjudgmental and are ready to listen. 
 
You do not have to do it alone. If you need to talk to someone, call the 24-hour Distress Line at 482 – HELP (4357). 

 

Last updated: November 3, 2008